Unbelievable

Subconscious post continued….(and some extra)

So some may think I’m just an idiot and was oblivious to my own body and reality…but that’s OK, then I’m an idiot with a healthy baby girl that completed another family!  I know in my heart that what God did was a blessing for me and even more so for the baby. I was the last person on earth anyone would of thought (including myself) that could of  taken any pain on my own without falling apart.  It was so not me, that turned a rape I was suppressing, into a beautiful gift.

I can’t believe I asked a question on yahoo answers about how far along I would be, when I first found out I was pregnant…It is pretty funny though! I got a ton responses to the anonymous question from JunoGirl08..haha. Then they choose their favorite answer too.  After a few comments, I then tried to explain how I didn’t know, and give some reasons,  but eventually I let it go, You should see the next question I asked about adoption..I asked for opinions on open vs. closed adoptions, and whoa did I get responses! That’s when I first learned how many people openly despise adoption! Anyways, the best answer to sonogram question was…

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters:

really! you had no idea, seriously your the kind of woman who doesn’t know there pregnant until there giving birth in a toilet. How dumb

Anyway, I stressed a lot during the time I did know I was pregnant, and since we know stress is one of the most harmful things for babies, I KNOW he was protecting her from 7 months of that!  Cause when I stress, I STRESS!  He also was working so powerfully in my heart during that time that I just “knew” I wasn’t supposed to put certain things in my body.  I love wine and wouldn’t even take a sip on my birthday that year!  I used to say, “weird!” then people started saying back to me, “No, that’s God!”  So then, this wasn’t the only “weird” thing that happened to me and my friends and family during this time either!

I love the story of how he was working in my best friend’s life at the same time too, but neither of us knew until after the pregnancy. When we finally talked and I told her, she was able to help more than ever and remains the one who grounds me today. She is so strong and faithful in the Lord.  She led me to a church that I loved and she always calls to check on me too..cause I’m know to retreat and want to hide out sometimes now, but it’s just so amazing how God has changed us both this past year. (we went to highschool together too) We weren’t bad people before, but were just two silly girls who cared about the wrong things in life. We were caught up in all the ways of the world.  We would do things like diet together back in highschool and worry about our clothes and our tan…basically we were just obsessed with being perfect, like so many girls can become. Thank God for breaking us both to the point where we finally turned to just HIM!  It sure took a lot to convince us!  It was happening to us both at the same time too and we didn’t even know it!  I really stopped talking to everyone that year for a good while…so then when I told her I was pregnant, she was actually a new woman of God, who was prepared to give me so much support.  She gave like God’s hug to me on earth (if that makes since)

And then there is my other friend, who was first my sister’s friend, so I didn’t know her that well…but I knew she was and is the closest person to the Lord I knew of. She told my sister when (around the time I was just one moth pregnant) that, "she felt God pressing it on her heart to pray for me for some reason”   I took me by surprise, but made a huge impact on me.  That’s one of the main reason’s I started trusting God more and listening to Him.  It was like I didn’t need to say anything to her…she honestly knew more about my situation than I did.  She was so excited and still is, and says God has so much in stare for me and also this little girl. I  just still can’t believe that she was praying before I even had a clue I was pregnant!  She never saw me either, she hadn’t seen me in years, so not like she could see I was fat or something.  The first time I saw her was not until after my baby was born actually when she came to one of the last visitation days I had and got to hold Ann, the girl she had been praying so much to protect!   It was really awesome!

Pictures of those two friends when they finally met Ann!

Now, I still can feel all these people praying for me and for her. I sometimes feel kinda selfish too and have to double up on my prayers for them, because it’s easy to get caught up in my own stuff.  But I know they will never forget me, just like God won’t. Just like I can never forget my daughter. I was always afraid before of being forgotten, I think because of my history with boyfriends. But I disappeared for a year almost, and the people that loved me just got closer to me and the ones that didn’t finally faded into the background. I couldn’t get rid of them though on my own, I needed God to clear em out and in a big way, and he did.

AAlso, that young adult retreat I went on was “weird”  One of the main reasons I went was because my best friend (the one I mentioned above) signed me up and forced me to go (and my parent’s paid for it too) and then I find out later that the other friend from above, just took a job working at the camp we were going to in Tyler, Texas! (random) So it was like a big reunion of all 3 of us then and in a place where all we did all day was worship the Lord.  That was kind of a big point in God’s plan and path for all three of us. Come to think of it, that “reunion” was exactly a year after it all started! Wow, that’s cool! Then the preacher blessed my baby! And said a prayer for her! I didn;t expect it at all, he jsut saw her and stated praying out lod for her! (I happened to have my keychain with her picture and my daily organizer, which is cover in photos too) It was like my own mini dedication for Ann!  There were so many girls their that after hearing my story, would come up to me and tell me how they had been raped, or had an abortion, or had some other situation related and they just felt like giving me a hug or wanted to talk….it was great!

The week before the retreat was so “weird” too. I was freaking out with anxiety,,,but a different kind of anxiety this time.  My dreams were so vivid and deep and my heart felt like it was being beaten on, yet protected at the same time. It sounds strange (I had to use another word besides weird)   I felt like, especially because of my dreams,  that God and the devil were fighting over me like no other!  I mean they were going at it!  I prayed a lot though and read my Bible more then and God told me one time when we were talking, that the devil didn’t know my thoughts..at least to an extent, and that if I didn’t say or do anything to give him any ammo to go on (like something to work up my anxiety over) then it would be easier for me. He reminded me, that He always wins against the devil…I just have to stay with Him if I want to too. So then I didn’t come up with an excuse or have a panic attack before the retreat, I just went.  When I got there my best friend told me that I wasn’t crazy and that the devil does fight more for people that might have an impact  and  He doesn’t want me to share my testimony and save any other lives.  It made since then, and I understood why I had been conflicted lately. I have never felt God so close to me before, it was almost scary. I told someone that I just knew the devil didn’t want me hear so much, and they totally understood.

I’m starting to think that my anxiety is the devil and the devil only. I’ve never had it too such an extent as I do now, and it’s usually when I doubt myself or loose touch with God. I would go to my cabin bunk bed (it was camp) whenever they gave us a break and my friend would usually have to come check every time and drag me up to go to the event.  I can never thank her enough for that..because she doesn’t know (or maybe she does) that she was what helped me ALOT to win the battle that weekend against the devil.  I have some notes that I’d write when I’d go to my cabin…I wrote once “OK I’m here, now what. I skipped out on breakfast and my anxiety is just really bad right now…I think I will skip out on the next little group (it’s just like a sports thing anyways) and I know the devil might think he has won, but I promise I will be back and go the the thing at 11:00, I’ll just take a quick nap..” But then as I’m writing of my defeat and giving up, in walks my friend to make sure I’m not hiding out. (It was my first real time in public since the pregnancy too. I mean first time to be around people my age…and a lot of them.  I was really self-conscious after the pregnancy, and it took me 5 months to loose the extra 80 pds too! So I was really nervous still.)  Anyway, I’d try to act like I was sick..lol (she didn’t buy it) and convinced me to come out.  So even then the devil didn’t win. I should probably go back and change my journal entry then, and say no that was no point for the devil!

She pulled me out to “group activities” time (I wasn’t a thrilled camper, haha) but the Lord worked even then!  A guy came and game a hug out of the blue and told me how much he enjoyed me sharing with him in our small group.  I told him thanks for his story too, because it gave me hope that their were actually good guys out there.  Because still today…(besides my dad, my cousin and my daughter’s adoptive dad.. guess I could name a few more) I don’t believe in men or trust a thing they say.  I don’t believe they are good or christian or human.  I know, obviously, this is not true but that’s how I feel inside.  I think God will help me there though somehow someday when I’m ready.

So my subconscious knew what was up with my body during the pregnancy, and God either “is” my subconscious or it is all in the power of His hands.  But the question before, about what thoughts are what and where they are coming from,….maybe who cares!  As long as you have God to decipher the ones worth paying attention too.  So when people say being a Christian is just too hard, I can say that in some ways it is, (and that’s the point) but the benefits of knowing Him and what He can allow us to do while here on earth are are so much more than we could ever imagine if we were without him. Maybe we can’t even see the real impact He has in our lives either, because we are living still through our earthly eyes sand can’t see true truth.  But you can bet we will in heaven! /span>