My Diary from the day of Birth

I have been meaning to write the story of my pregnancy, and all the time surrounding it, down for a long time now. I want to have it to give my daughter and her family someday.  I have this little problem though….I’m a master procrastinator and it is the things most important to me, which I procrastinate over.  Basically, the more meaningful the task is to me and the more I want to do it, the more anxiety I work up over it!  It’s horrible because one of the most important things in my life is keeping an open communication with the adoptive parents of my daughter.  So, of course, I have found a way to put of writing them any letter!  I don’t know why I’m so worked up about it. I have written a dozen “rough drafts” now.  Maybe it feels like I have to much to say now for it to make sense…I have 5 months of things to cover!

I promised myself though, that by my birthday (the 13th of September..which is tomorrow, and also my daughter’s 6 month-day too! Isn’t that cool) I’d have the letter written..  So now I have one day left but I’m still determined to finish. It’s hard because it’s an emotion packed thing and because it means so much as to the future of my correspondence with them. I wanted so badly to set off my first letter in a timely fashion and it be “perfectly” written too…saying everything I wanted to say and everything they wanted to hear. So I psyched myself out for six months and now am just rude if I don’t respond soon. So that’s my goal…still.

I meant this post to be the first writing of some of my birth story/diary. Some is probably too personal, but a lot is just basic stuff I’m sure a lot of birth mom’s feel after their baby is born and they go home without them.  I see so many birth mom diaries online and I get fairly frustrated because (and this is wierd I know) I think mine is so much better and that I love my daughter so much more compared to their writings…I know this is so horrible and mean to think too!  It’s just I was barely breathing without her, and I so wanted to hold her! I guess I want her to know someday how much she was ALWAYS wanted all the time. I’m not writing it for attention either. I hope it doesn’t come across that I’m looking for a pat on the back or praise.  I just really want to be able to write my story as a birth mom,  like all these other girls have done publicly.  I think it will be good for me too. Mainly because I want to read over what I wrote back then and process it. Right now, everything I wrote is in a different notebook or on some random paper I found at the time…so it will be good to collect them and organize my thoughts. So, that’s what I’ll write about in my next post…Chapter 1 of the birth mother saga..haha. I actually don’t know where to start. The diary I kept, before I realized I was pregnant, is pretty hilarious too. For now I’ll just start with the day the most beautiful, perfect, awesome girl in the world was born!