My adoption ring

Green = off topic

So sometimes I take off my ring (adoptive parent’s gave me on adoption day of my daughter) to put lotion on. That’s really the only time I ever take it of, since I’m so prone to lose things. So, this morning I sat it down for 2 minutes and then I couldn’t find it! I was so worried it fell down the drain! It is so important to me. I can’t leave the house without my ring and my locket necklace of her. So I took a chill pill, sat down and prayed for it to please be in my room somewhere…and what do ya know, it was on my nightstand by my bible! I usually put it on my desk, but still I thought I had looked everywhere for it!

The ring has been on almost every finger …the 100 pound difference (well I got it a month after birth so only 60 pds difference) sure affects your ring finger sizing! lol! I just kept moving it to the bigger finger or hand, and now it fits me perfectly! I knew it would.

So it got me thinking, what I’d do if if I lost my ring or my pendant. I know they are just material things..but the represent so much to me. Whenever I’m anxious, worried or speaking to someone about something close to my heart, I always hold on to my necklace in my hand when I talk. Also when I meet new people I hold it too, it’s as if I’m saying “No wait, it’s not just me now, my daughter is with me too!” And the ring….I usually twirl around my finger whenever I’m daydreaming or remembering her in some way. Actually, I bet I hold them both a lot more than I realize!

I guess (I know) my daughter gives me a lot of strength and confidence in myself that I never had before. When I start to doubt myself in general or my anxiety goes crazy over some job interview, I just remember her and how much I want to make her proud and know I can. The song (suprise, suprise by Martina Mcbride) “In my daughter’s eyes,” is my cell ringtone and it always lifts me up to hear.

I think about how focused she was on my every word and how relaxed and content she was when I would hold her, like she knew I was going to keep her safe no matter what. I imagine her thinking that her mom can do anything….and so I want to! It’s just another area of my life God found a way to bless and help me with…before my self-criticism and fear held me back from so much. I still honestly, would rather be in labor all day, than go to a job interview. With Labor you get to see your result or more miracle at the end, no matter what and give life! With a job you get results sometimes I guess, but who are they for and how could they compare? I told my friends this and they thing I ‘m crazy. I read somewhere and think it applies to my case, that after labor and seeing your baby, you can forget the pain you experienced all together. Like I really don’t remember it at all. I know I had it because my epidural fell out for most of the labor, but I feel like it was a breeze now. I’d do it over gain in a second. I remember doing a lot of silly things that day, but one was cramming for the labor with the child birth book Gladney gave us. I had only been to one class and since she was early…my sister (also my birth coach) hadn’t made it in for the cram session class either. She almost fainted when she looked down there…actually she screamed and thought something was wrong with me, then she had to take pictures since she was so amazed, all the while saying “eww”. It was a classic sister moment. I had no clue what to do either…Ithe nurse was still trying to teach me how to breathe correctly and saying “your going to kill yourself breathing that way, don’t hold your breath” when little Ann popped out. How did I get so off the topic. I guess I have a lot of stories I hope to write down still (kinda the point of daily doing this so I will make myself document things before I forget…just in case she wants to hear stories someday) So, It’s all good, false alarm on the lost ring….but I learned alot. Thanks God.

It’s nice to compare things I did with my roommate afterwards, I bet most birthmom’s are afraid to tell some of the things they did and think they are the only one. So, that’s something I hope to change somehow soon. But just for example the song stuff, I think we all kinda naturally have a “theme song” for our time with the baby. Like Ann (I feel better not using her real name…and I called her Ann anyways for that month so it works well) and I…well we had a few, but “I hope you dance” is her main one.

I can’t listen to now without crying…but it’s the good tears . And my roommate had her song she put on dvd for her son and taught the mom the lyrics on adoption day…so it’s not wierd at all to do these things. In fact, I’d recommend trying to cram as many mom quirks you think you have in hose few moments, if possible. You’ll never get a second chance.

By the end of the month, Ann had basically a full surround sound system set up all for her in our little room. Everyone joked cause I’d bring three big ole bags with my ipod and speakers and video camera and whatever else I thought to bring that day. I tried to “catch her scent” (my mom’s clever idea) but really doesn’t work. I loved her smell, but I knew it was just her burp up I was smelling…and I could just take the milk home to smell that. Then come to find out at the end, she had been drinking pre-digested milk the whole time…so no wonder it was so poweful! lol Also, on the last day I know at least 5 other girls, that took the old bottle home from that day. (I thought I had lost my mind at the time) I remember coming back to the room after placing her with the family and looking around for anything I had left of her to take with me. My roommate, logically, washed her bottle out though when she got home so it wouldn’t rot out. Of course I just left it and had to then throw it way when I finally took it out of my bag…lol. I didn’t like the pre-digested milk much anyways though..

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