Worrier

There is no reason for me to be worried I know she is in great hands, but starting yesterday I just feel this overwhelming fear that she is not doing well or something is wrong. I can’t wait for my video updates, it;s like I need to hear her and see with my own eyes she is just fine and developing just perfectly. I keep having the same dream where I can’t find her over and over still and they just get more intense. This time we were in a jungle and I lost her? It was very random. The mall one is my most frequent, where I search through the clothing racks forever. I think I was lost as a child in the mall, cause I am the child and the mom in the dream and the clothing racks are way above my head.

I hope the parents don;t think I’m ignoring them. If they had an email address I’d of sent them tons of letters by now. I know. It’s just the regular “snail” mail thing is so hard for me for some reason. I have too much to say and the ongoing letter I do have is too long I feel to send now. I need to condense, but the more time that goes on, the more things I remember I wanted to say, and it just keeps growing! I am too much of a perfectionist and my handwriting I can barely read..so I have to first rewrite it anyways before I send. And then I think if I send that I might as well send her package with my scrapbook in it and pictures for her too, because I’d rather overwhelm then all at once then randomly twice! lol. I also have her 3 month tennis outfit to send and I’m sure she is already grown out of that. I don;t want to bother them 3 years later though with sending all the big stuff though. I have alot to tell them too! My roommate had to tell her AP’s (adoptive parents) to stop emailing her and calling cause it was too hard for her. She even stopped her packages from coming. It’s amazing how differently everyone has to deal with these things. I think I’d love updates everyday, but maybe God knows that really wouldn’t be the best for me in the long run. So instead of just calling and asking for them to get a yahoo or gmail anonymous gmail account, I just keep assuming God is giving me all the means I need for communication and when I send it it will be when I am 100% sure I have everything perfect and don’t forget anything. I guess alot of times with email I may send things without giving myself time to reflect on it all.

My family is great, but I can’t really ever talk about things with them. It’s funny that I have always had an overwhelming amount of emotions and a need to talk them out, but the rest of my family is incapable of expressing feelings. It’s almost funny, if people could hear some of the conversations and how quickly the subject can be changed, they would crack up. I’m glad I have my roommate from Gladney to talk to though. I am just so unsure of what to feel most of the time. I wasn’t myself for the first 3 months after, that could be why I haven;t finished the letter. And I just mean I wasn’t really rational or really aware of a lot. It took me a long time to process what really happened.I just sat in front of the computer watching her videos and then (posting them online!) because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know where to put all of the memories and I almost thought (at the time) that if I put them out there…I could release them in a way and maybe someone else could take them from me. I’m quite a strange girl sometimes, another reason why I am happy I gave my child to a wonderfully “normal” family. No body’s perfect, but in my opinion they are pretty darn close. The main thing I always want for her is consistency, and I believe they will provide that all her life. And the constant message will always be led by God too. You know that song, “Love her like Jesus,” it always makes me cry case its exactly what I think she will receive!