The blog

I really don’t think I want anyone to read this blog, yet I do make it public online. I can’t understand it. I think it’s because people always ask me “what have you been up to” or “what are you doing now” and the truth is alot of stuff like this that no one really knows about. I know though it is kind of hard to find cause I put it inside my website, that no one ever checks anyways. (well, now I put on site that is more anonymous, I will probably change it again or take down next week, then back up the next) Maybe it’s just me or how I was brought up but I always feel like people need to see some sort of progression or I need to constantly produce something or else I am a failure almost. I know it’s all very silly though. Same thing with the videos of her, I knew they should be private…yet I was tired of people asking to see what I have been doing all the days I’ve been alone in my room! The time right after the adoption (2 months isn’t right after I guess) I still had common sense, but I really needed someone else to apply it for me cause I was too numb.

I think I’m just tired of not being able to tell the truth too, when people ask how I am doing. The truth is too long and most of how I feel I still think I am supposed to keep secret. I mean if you feel a certain way as the direct result of what someone else has done, I think you can’t tell the truth about it because it would ruin the reputation of that person. (not talking anymore about the adoption, switched topics to the ex again…me, bitter?) So I guess some things you just can tell God, and you should choose wiser next time who you associate with. I am the most gullible person on earth though, and God is helping me have better judgement through my mistakes. I’m a bit ADD though and takes me a while to learn the lesson is alot of my mistakes.

Anyways, I did learn alot of useful skills from my long hours of editing and converting videos after the adoption. Godtube called me back for an interview for web programming and videos yesterday, so at least it got me moving in some direction. I love publishing videos, I just need to make content of my own now. Maybe I will finally be on a health insurance plan soon! Oh the things that make me excited now!