Invisible again

I get sad when I see couples getting to experience pregnancy together and the future they will have with the child. More jealous I guess than mad. And that’s just strangers too. So, I don’t know if it’s warranted to be upset about my most recent ex- boyfriend being engaged and having a baby. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. He told me in a wonderfully nice way too. This is all with a girl he hasn’t consistantly dated for more than 3 months yet.

Being upset has nothing to do with him though, she can have him and my sympathy! It just stirred up so many things, most much deeper than I’m willing to go right now. Mostly it’s anger left over how he treated me at the end. Most people think he is probably a very upright and moral guy for doing what he is doing and taking responsibility (shotgun wedding) but I am the only one that knows the truth about him. (Well me and God) He hurt me so much at the end that I didn;t know how to process all the pain. When I was raped a month later, it was actually a relief in a way because I could be in pain over that and push the pain from the him in the back of my mind. (Sidenote, I have stuff to write the parents about the rape too, because I don’t want her to in any way feel different ever and there are still things that need to be explained. I don;t know if I even want them to tell her, but it’s their choice. Her father could change his ways too someday?) It’s amazing, I think, that I was able to forgive this guy and yet I don’t ever see how I can forgive my recent ex. In a way, what my ex did to me over that year was much worse because I knew and trusted him. I’m only hurting myself by not forgiving him, so I’m praying hard God will help me do that. He wasn’t a Christian, but i thought I was going to change him…which was my biggest mistake.

I know I should of let go a long time ago, and I have let go of him….just not the things he did. I know it is only hurting me not to and I’m working on it as I type! I hadn’t done it earlier because I had other stuff that seemed more important over the past year and also because, until recently, I did not know how to let go of the past! My daughter has taught me so much, but one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is how to grieve in the right way and how crucial it is to your well-being and future.

I think until I met my daughter, I had never missed anything to the point where you can’t move forward without processing your it. I think when you truly love someone, it’s impossible to hide from your true emotions because they will overpower you. ( I sure tried it for a month or two…but I found myself where I started) I tried so hard not to realize she was gone, that I emersed myself in videos of her all day, everyday (since I had 30 days with her, I ended up taking over 24 hours worth of video)It really became quite sad, and got to the point where I edited them over and over until nothing left to edit, then actually posted them online because I didn’t know what to do with them next! My perception of reality at the time was greatly skewed, obviously. It was as if the home movies I made of her, were my emotions, and I was trying desperately to give them to someone else or have them take them from me because I couldn’t handle them. My room was full of pictures on the wall too. I tried to relive the last day I had with her over and over everyday, so I didn’t have to feel. I remeber waking up in the middle of the night afraid I forgot how her voice sounded, and would have to replay a video. Finally someone noticed I was not able to move on myself. I went to see a christian therapist then, that showed me how to basically “live correctly” (that’s what I say) how to process my emotions, from a thought all the way to a stored memory and then let them go. It was such a blessing. I’m not wierd about admiting things like this, cause I feel like almost everyone has seen a therapist at one time in their life or probably should have at some point. Also because my degree is in psychology it seems no big deal. But it’s funny how I may know a lot about how the brain works and all the theories mankind has come up with to describe it, but the simpilest things were what I needed pointed out to me in my own life. I think I can help alot of birth mom’s in the future with some of the techniques I learned and used to grieve the loss of my baby. It all helped me be able to remember her more clearly and never forget anything about her. That was my biggest fear anyways, forgetting. So, with the silly little ex thing..I think it hurts mainly just because it brings up a lot of things about my pregnancy that I still haven’t dealt with yet. I wanted a husband with me through my pregnancy or there to experience the birth (greatest moment of my life) with! But until recently I hadn;t realized how much better it was having God with me through it all. It really is an amazing story (the labor day) but I will tell that one later.

I prayed a lot last week for God to take away whatever was keeping me from Him in my life and clearly he has answered my prayers again (and once again, I was not really ready for him to intervene yet) Lately all my prayers are being answered, but they are not what I was picturing! I’ve never felt Him more with me than I do now and I know he is sitting beside me every second of the day. It’s as if I won’t even let him get up and stretch his legs after sitting so long either, every minute I have to double check and make sure he is there because I know I couldn’t make it without him at all now. (That intense fear of abandonment comes in handy after all..lol) Now I can’t breathe without God.

Living a Godly life isn’t always easy I guess and the trials are part of my growing process, but today and yesterday I just keep telling God it feels like TOO much. Things just keep happening one after the other and I don’t see where in the world this is leading to. All I ever wanted was a family of my own, and I made it clear that’s what I wanted in the beginning… I wasn’t just going to spend time getting attached and falling in love for no reason…but that’s exactly what I always did and then it was over and I was a mess. And as always….the next girl they dated turned out to be “the one.” (reminder to look up name of movie) Did I just waear them in for someone else and get them used to the idea of settling down? This last one said he wouldn’t marry till at least 35! Most of my friends are married now. There will be no one left for me by the time God says I’m ready. But then again, I have no desire to EVER date again anyways.

I know this is my old self talking too, and I know that God has it all worked out and he won’t just forget me. I may be meant for something completely different, the nun idea is looking more and more appealing. I think if I can make it through and watch everyone else live happily ever after (weddings, baby showers, new homes, another bridesmaid dress, etc..) without clinging to anything but God, that will be a testament to my faith and build the character of a Godly woman? I think my dream for my life was far from what God has planned for me. And I have accepted it now, and feel blessed to just be on the path now. I know He has been testing me over the past two years, but I’m not sure yet what he is preparing me for? I know now though that no trial is too difficult if God is by your side. And nothing is worse than living in the darkness that is without God.

Sorry, I must rant a few more sentences….I think the fact that the most immature guy on earth is having a kid, is also part of what gets to me. A father figure? He smokes, drinks, gambles, chews tobacco, and swears in every sentence. (he hid all this in the first month from me) I guess lately I’ve been in an unfair & selfish mood though.But he has never even been with a gf for 3 months consistently yet. He’s one of those “break” takers who fails to inform the other what break really means or when they are on one.

God helped me alot though last night, I was really upset about the situation and I ended up reading all of Psalms. I know it’s bad to pray for someone to be unhappy…but I sure have wanted to lately. It’s amazing how everytime you read a book in the Bible over again something else speaks to you more than than another. The reason I even turned to Psalms is because when I was crying and asking God to make the pain go away, he hit me over the head with the words, “rod and staff.” It was chilling cause I had all these thoughts going in my head and they were all hushed by this one voice that I knew was God. I used to wonder if I was sure I was really talking to God or not, in my prayers. I’m sure alot of times I didnt truly reach him because of where I was in my faith, but I am certain now, what God;s voice sounds like and how it feels after this past year. There have been too many times when He amazes me with how clear He can be. It’s like if he really wants me to know something, he will for sure find a way and I should take it off of my list of things to worry about because it’s under control.

definitions or interpretations of rod and staff.

Thy Comfort. During times of struggle and danger, Jesus is also there to comfort us with His rod and staff. The meaning of the Hebrew word for “rod,” SEBET, and “staff,” MISHENA, are very special. The Hebrew word SEBET has the idea of a “stick.” It originally referred to a part of a tree. In the Old Testament the “stick” was used to count sheep (Lev. 27:32). It was also used to protect the sheep from other animals. In the book of Proverbs the stick is used for discipline (Prov. 13:24). SEBET has a sense of authority. The Hebrew word MISHENA has the idea of “something to lean on,” “trust,” “support,” or “staff.” Together, the two words paint a picture of a strong, protective shepherd whom we can trust. One who not only cares for us but who will protect us. Sheep are stupid animals compared to other creatures. If we are following the shepherd and danger, trouble, and the threat of death come in the form of life’s foxes and bears, He is there with His rod and staff. He protects us with His rod and we can trust the leading of His staff. Do you feel like crying out, “baa, baa, baa?” He is listening! Copyright © Like The Master Ministries. All Rights Reserved.

So this is what God is doing by getting rid of the very unGodly and demeaning ex,

exactly what I asked for …yet not fun.

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

Now the plans that I have made
Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place’
Till its You alone I live for,
You alone I live for.

Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty
Holy is the Lord!
Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty
Holy is the Lord!

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
‘Till its You alone I live for,
You alone I live for.
Ruin Me, Jeff Johnson